War Of Pride In The Middle

 We are in a war of pride right now. I said that to my husband tonight and he didn't get it, but it shook me...I heard it come out of my mouth and it hit me. That's EXACTLY the world I am living in right now...a world that is in a war of pride. 

I was lucky enough to receive my first COVID vaccination shot today. I have had MONTHS to go get it. I did not feel lucky. I felt scared. I felt uneducated. I felt responsible. I felt inadequate. I felt ungrateful. I felt confused. I felt entitled, I felt privileged. I FELT....period. 

I believe in science. I have a B.S. (not that it makes me someone, I'm just saying I wanted a B.A. but the science part of me won out and that's what I went for.)

I don't like being scared of science. I don't like living in a world where there is so much information thrown at me that I don't understand what my own thoughts are anymore, because I think I know my brain and my ability to have choice and critically think and I believe I do. Meet me on a random Tuesday and I'll tell you all about what I stand for. I'm strong. I've travelled. I'm educated (grammar in this post excluded)…I want to learn! Put me in a pharmacy getting ready to get an injection and I take a different stance. 

AND THAT'S OK

It's OK to question, It's OK to ask. More importantly it's OK to be scared. 

So here I am and I am doing something that "random Tuesday Danielle" would have been sure of, but I'm terrified. My heart is racing and I'm trying to be cool, but I'm not...I'm not cool at all. 

So I think about where the voice in my head that is screaming "get the FUCK out of here" is coming from. I think about how I spend hours a day reading reputable sources and how I think about people I PERSONALLY KNOW who are fighting against a virus some call a hoax. I think about how yeah...we are really new to this way of living, and we are fucking impatient because we are human so why do I have to make such hard decisions? Why do I have to choose a side? Why do I have to fight while others accuse me of complying and being weak? Who is the dumb one? Who is the one who is wrong? Who wins?

NO ONE WINS.. because we are in a war of pride. We are in a war of I have somehow come to know better than you. How does a reasonable objective person find footing in a place like that? You know what? You fucking don't. Period. You do what is in your heart. Is your heart about you or is it about the world? The answer I got today is it is about both. It's about critically thinking about the environment in which you are making a life in and assessing what the best move is. Data..not feelings. 

I hate that. 

Full transparency, I am a fiscal analyst. I support my family by analyzing data  ALL...DAY..LONG....

I look at what the data says and I chase it. Simple as that. You come to me with a question or a problem I ask for data to back it up. Show me the numbers, I'll chase the solution. 

COVID isn't like that for me. WAR isn't like that. I can't get enough solid info to make it stick. I have people I deeply love on both sides of the "war of pride". Both of them spout numbers, both of them spout articles...both of them are right in their own realties. I don't know how to reconcile that kind of conflict. 

So what makes it a war of pride? What makes me think that? It's because fear wins out on this one. We are all scared. Pride and ego (which are the best and worst survival mechanisms by the way) convince us that WE know the answers..because when you are really scared and the world seems completely bat shit crazy you want definitives. You want solid no anomalies, no grey area answers. 

Just like any other war. You find an enemy..and if the enemy doesn't have a face you give it one. It's all of the sudden a democrat or a republican or a socialist or a feminist or an anti-vaxxer or a college graduate or a conspiracy theorist or a Trump supporter or what the fuck ever you need it to be. 

I hate that. 

I am married to my political/physical/emotional/intelligent opposite in just about every way. We are MARRIED... you know how fucking hard that is? You know how much both of us have worked to try and be that way? It's insane. 

I chose to have a partner that I have to come toe to toe with in the "war of pride" damn near every day and now the whole fucking world wants me to rally?

Fuck that.

I chose love. 

I chose to take chances and maybe not have all the information, and maybe not be the smartest kid on the block and maybe be real unsure that I am even qualified to be an adult and be part of who is running this planet. 

I want to believe that all of us are really doing that in our own way. 

This is not a call for more division. This is a call for empathy. 

Humans will not change, especially in times of uncertainty unless it directly affects them.

Because we are selfish. Because we have free will. Because at some really deep level, choice and freedom is the most important thing to us. Believe me, historically, zero change would have EVER happened if the innate drive and love of freedom and choice were not part of the human DNA. 

So I asked myself today, sitting in that chair, scared as shit...what am I choosing? 

I am choosing my fellows. I am choosing what my heart thinks is right. I don't have the same heart as you dear reader, I don't pretend to. 

The point is this....if you are going to fight a war of pride, be ready. Fight hard. Fight with your heart. Fight knowing that if you die, you died with the truth of knowing YOU did everything you could. 

One Love

Why Do We Give??

 Hello Friends~

It's been awhile. A very long while since I sat down to write. I was out watering my yard and had all these thoughts coming in my head, all these things I wanted to say and they all sounded great until I got here. It's been over two years since I felt the urge to write. Since I felt compelled to author a post that that might possibly have some substance. But tonight, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just knew that it had to be done, shitty or not. 

So the last year and a half has been fucked for everyone right? Can we just all agree on that? Can we all just come to terms with the fact that living/working/managing/parenting /being in a committed relationship of any kind through a pandemic has been absolutely fucking bananas! The world has always been full of uncertainty but I feel like (for me) it was quadrupled by unforeseeable events this last 18 months. 

The latest weird, Universe is going to do what it wants episode was my nephew being admitted to Children's in Seattle only to find out he had a brain tumor. He's 5. His mama, my sister, is carrying her second child. So here is my 20 something sister, pregnant and having to navigate every parents worst nightmare. To give some some context, I'm 40. My "baby" is in college. I don't have to pack lunches anymore. I don't have to school clothes shop. I don't have to change diapers or wonder if someone stuck something in their mouth that doesn't belong there. (And let me tell you friends, life is fucking good when those things are not the problems of the day!) 

I did the only thing I knew how to do which was start a fundraiser for her. This is not wanting credit, but over the last few days I've reflected on how many times in my life it came down to money. My baby was sick, but we still needed to pay for housing and food so I sent her back to daycare to soon because I needed to support us. My baby would have been thrilled for me to volunteer in her classroom or chaperone an outing, but again, mama had to work so go and hug the other moms and tell me about it over dinner. My worst fear when my daughter was little was that something would happen to her where I couldn't work to get us through. In light of recent events....shame on me..... If that would have happened (and thank all the heavens above it hasn't so far) we would have been FINE! You know why? Because humans are naturally kind, and gentle and generous and caring! I remember my good friend talking to me about all  my fears as a mother. I would come home from working 11 hours and call her crying after I put my baby to bed telling her all the things I did wrong. How it was all about me and how I could provide.  If I didn't do it good enough they would take my baby and lock me up because I didn't play enough games, or laugh or read enough books, or pack good enough lunches or what the fuck ever! 

Can we all just for the LOVE OF GOD stop that narrative parents? Can we??

My sister has fiercely fought for her son. There have been many days over the last week I have questioned myself if I would have done the same. Not because I wouldn't die for my child, but because I would have felt "guilty" for doing so. I also would have never had enough faith or whatever you want to call it that it would work out in the end. 

And, so, now we are here.....at this moment and I am forced to truly confront what it means to be human. I am forced to have all my preconceived notions and absolutes of "but what if this were to happen?" faced. And what I am confident of, after 40 years of not trusting and not accepting and not believing is this:

We are here to help each other. Or, in the words of Ram Dass (read him if you haven't) "We are all just walking each other home" 

Isn't that absolutely fucking beautiful!

 There have been so many times I wanted someone to just "walk me home" but ego, and pride and all of the should and should nots got in the way. 

My sister and nephew have received an absolutely amazing outpouring of support. Thanks to the internet and social media, I've looked up some of the donors and man...some of them are people we don't even know. 

So here is the point (finally) of this post. What makes us give? What makes us pause in our crazy lives and feel compassion? Do we give on the internet because we secretly feel bad about not putting away our shopping cart at the grocery store because we were to busy? Do we give because it fills a hole in our egos because we just yelled at our family again for not helping with laundry? Do we give so our name can be shown on a social media platform about how much money we have at our disposal? Do we give because we haven't called our grandma in years and it will make up for it? 

NO. We don't care and give for any of those reasons. (Shitty and realized or unassuming and not) 

We give because there is a genetic/spiritual component to us that we don' even fucking understand. 

We give because that is what we are supposed to do. 

The reallocation of resources is a real thing. Fight me if I'm wrong. 

But it's more than money. It's about keeping each other in our HEARTS! It's about holding doors open when your to busy to. It's about loving your humans (even the ones you "don't know") HARD

It's about having enough faith that there is enough for everyone. Everyone gets a turn accepting and everyone gets a turn giving. It's the Ying and the Yang. (And yes I'm a 90's kid and I wanted that tattoo but it just never happened) 

I know we need each other guys. That might be the only thing this pandemic has taught me. Together, we are better. And YES, we need alone time. Humans are exhausting, but we still need them. Maybe not for 50+ hours a week so we can pay our rent. BUT we do do need each other in the most important way, which is to "Walk each other home".

One Love~ Danielle 

PS...I can't help but give my mother credit for these ramblings...she taught all of her children to "Kill them with kindness" and I like to think that all of us do that in our own way