Hello Friends~
It's been awhile. A very long while since I sat down to write. I was out watering my yard and had all these thoughts coming in my head, all these things I wanted to say and they all sounded great until I got here. It's been over two years since I felt the urge to write. Since I felt compelled to author a post that that might possibly have some substance. But tonight, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just knew that it had to be done, shitty or not.
So the last year and a half has been fucked for everyone right? Can we just all agree on that? Can we all just come to terms with the fact that living/working/managing/parenting /being in a committed relationship of any kind through a pandemic has been absolutely fucking bananas! The world has always been full of uncertainty but I feel like (for me) it was quadrupled by unforeseeable events this last 18 months.
The latest weird, Universe is going to do what it wants episode was my nephew being admitted to Children's in Seattle only to find out he had a brain tumor. He's 5. His mama, my sister, is carrying her second child. So here is my 20 something sister, pregnant and having to navigate every parents worst nightmare. To give some some context, I'm 40. My "baby" is in college. I don't have to pack lunches anymore. I don't have to school clothes shop. I don't have to change diapers or wonder if someone stuck something in their mouth that doesn't belong there. (And let me tell you friends, life is fucking good when those things are not the problems of the day!)
I did the only thing I knew how to do which was start a fundraiser for her. This is not wanting credit, but over the last few days I've reflected on how many times in my life it came down to money. My baby was sick, but we still needed to pay for housing and food so I sent her back to daycare to soon because I needed to support us. My baby would have been thrilled for me to volunteer in her classroom or chaperone an outing, but again, mama had to work so go and hug the other moms and tell me about it over dinner. My worst fear when my daughter was little was that something would happen to her where I couldn't work to get us through. In light of recent events....shame on me..... If that would have happened (and thank all the heavens above it hasn't so far) we would have been FINE! You know why? Because humans are naturally kind, and gentle and generous and caring! I remember my good friend talking to me about all my fears as a mother. I would come home from working 11 hours and call her crying after I put my baby to bed telling her all the things I did wrong. How it was all about me and how I could provide. If I didn't do it good enough they would take my baby and lock me up because I didn't play enough games, or laugh or read enough books, or pack good enough lunches or what the fuck ever!
Can we all just for the LOVE OF GOD stop that narrative parents? Can we??
My sister has fiercely fought for her son. There have been many days over the last week I have questioned myself if I would have done the same. Not because I wouldn't die for my child, but because I would have felt "guilty" for doing so. I also would have never had enough faith or whatever you want to call it that it would work out in the end.
And, so, now we are here.....at this moment and I am forced to truly confront what it means to be human. I am forced to have all my preconceived notions and absolutes of "but what if this were to happen?" faced. And what I am confident of, after 40 years of not trusting and not accepting and not believing is this:
We are here to help each other. Or, in the words of Ram Dass (read him if you haven't) "We are all just walking each other home"
Isn't that absolutely fucking beautiful!
There have been so many times I wanted someone to just "walk me home" but ego, and pride and all of the should and should nots got in the way.
My sister and nephew have received an absolutely amazing outpouring of support. Thanks to the internet and social media, I've looked up some of the donors and man...some of them are people we don't even know.
So here is the point (finally) of this post. What makes us give? What makes us pause in our crazy lives and feel compassion? Do we give on the internet because we secretly feel bad about not putting away our shopping cart at the grocery store because we were to busy? Do we give because it fills a hole in our egos because we just yelled at our family again for not helping with laundry? Do we give so our name can be shown on a social media platform about how much money we have at our disposal? Do we give because we haven't called our grandma in years and it will make up for it?
NO. We don't care and give for any of those reasons. (Shitty and realized or unassuming and not)
We give because there is a genetic/spiritual component to us that we don' even fucking understand.
We give because that is what we are supposed to do.
The reallocation of resources is a real thing. Fight me if I'm wrong.
But it's more than money. It's about keeping each other in our HEARTS! It's about holding doors open when your to busy to. It's about loving your humans (even the ones you "don't know") HARD
It's about having enough faith that there is enough for everyone. Everyone gets a turn accepting and everyone gets a turn giving. It's the Ying and the Yang. (And yes I'm a 90's kid and I wanted that tattoo but it just never happened)
I know we need each other guys. That might be the only thing this pandemic has taught me. Together, we are better. And YES, we need alone time. Humans are exhausting, but we still need them. Maybe not for 50+ hours a week so we can pay our rent. BUT we do do need each other in the most important way, which is to "Walk each other home".
One Love~ Danielle
PS...I can't help but give my mother credit for these ramblings...she taught all of her children to "Kill them with kindness" and I like to think that all of us do that in our own way
