We are in a war of pride right now. I said that to my husband tonight and he didn't get it, but it shook me...I heard it come out of my mouth and it hit me. That's EXACTLY the world I am living in right now...a world that is in a war of pride.
I was lucky enough to receive my first COVID vaccination shot today. I have had MONTHS to go get it. I did not feel lucky. I felt scared. I felt uneducated. I felt responsible. I felt inadequate. I felt ungrateful. I felt confused. I felt entitled, I felt privileged. I FELT....period.
I believe in science. I have a B.S. (not that it makes me someone, I'm just saying I wanted a B.A. but the science part of me won out and that's what I went for.)
I don't like being scared of science. I don't like living in a world where there is so much information thrown at me that I don't understand what my own thoughts are anymore, because I think I know my brain and my ability to have choice and critically think and I believe I do. Meet me on a random Tuesday and I'll tell you all about what I stand for. I'm strong. I've travelled. I'm educated (grammar in this post excluded)…I want to learn! Put me in a pharmacy getting ready to get an injection and I take a different stance.
AND THAT'S OK
It's OK to question, It's OK to ask. More importantly it's OK to be scared.
So here I am and I am doing something that "random Tuesday Danielle" would have been sure of, but I'm terrified. My heart is racing and I'm trying to be cool, but I'm not...I'm not cool at all.
So I think about where the voice in my head that is screaming "get the FUCK out of here" is coming from. I think about how I spend hours a day reading reputable sources and how I think about people I PERSONALLY KNOW who are fighting against a virus some call a hoax. I think about how yeah...we are really new to this way of living, and we are fucking impatient because we are human so why do I have to make such hard decisions? Why do I have to choose a side? Why do I have to fight while others accuse me of complying and being weak? Who is the dumb one? Who is the one who is wrong? Who wins?
NO ONE WINS.. because we are in a war of pride. We are in a war of I have somehow come to know better than you. How does a reasonable objective person find footing in a place like that? You know what? You fucking don't. Period. You do what is in your heart. Is your heart about you or is it about the world? The answer I got today is it is about both. It's about critically thinking about the environment in which you are making a life in and assessing what the best move is. Data..not feelings.
I hate that.
Full transparency, I am a fiscal analyst. I support my family by analyzing data ALL...DAY..LONG....
I look at what the data says and I chase it. Simple as that. You come to me with a question or a problem I ask for data to back it up. Show me the numbers, I'll chase the solution.
COVID isn't like that for me. WAR isn't like that. I can't get enough solid info to make it stick. I have people I deeply love on both sides of the "war of pride". Both of them spout numbers, both of them spout articles...both of them are right in their own realties. I don't know how to reconcile that kind of conflict.
So what makes it a war of pride? What makes me think that? It's because fear wins out on this one. We are all scared. Pride and ego (which are the best and worst survival mechanisms by the way) convince us that WE know the answers..because when you are really scared and the world seems completely bat shit crazy you want definitives. You want solid no anomalies, no grey area answers.
Just like any other war. You find an enemy..and if the enemy doesn't have a face you give it one. It's all of the sudden a democrat or a republican or a socialist or a feminist or an anti-vaxxer or a college graduate or a conspiracy theorist or a Trump supporter or what the fuck ever you need it to be.
I hate that.
I am married to my political/physical/emotional/intelligent opposite in just about every way. We are MARRIED... you know how fucking hard that is? You know how much both of us have worked to try and be that way? It's insane.
I chose to have a partner that I have to come toe to toe with in the "war of pride" damn near every day and now the whole fucking world wants me to rally?
Fuck that.
I chose love.
I chose to take chances and maybe not have all the information, and maybe not be the smartest kid on the block and maybe be real unsure that I am even qualified to be an adult and be part of who is running this planet.
I want to believe that all of us are really doing that in our own way.
This is not a call for more division. This is a call for empathy.
Humans will not change, especially in times of uncertainty unless it directly affects them.
Because we are selfish. Because we have free will. Because at some really deep level, choice and freedom is the most important thing to us. Believe me, historically, zero change would have EVER happened if the innate drive and love of freedom and choice were not part of the human DNA.
So I asked myself today, sitting in that chair, scared as shit...what am I choosing?
I am choosing my fellows. I am choosing what my heart thinks is right. I don't have the same heart as you dear reader, I don't pretend to.
The point is this....if you are going to fight a war of pride, be ready. Fight hard. Fight with your heart. Fight knowing that if you die, you died with the truth of knowing YOU did everything you could.
One Love
