"Freedom" in the Middle

Hello Friends,

I am sitting here enjoying my 10th cup of morning coffee and it dawned on me that it is fitting that 4th of July is my first day off  after a whirlwind of non-stop work. I have been working on "freedom" since January and today marks a huge milestone in that whole project. 

In January I left my career of 14 years to go find freedom. Freedom from corporate, freedom from middle management, freedom to have the time to do more of what I love. Freedom to be happy. So I sit here and smile that our nations independence day falls on a personal "independence" day of my very own. The universe has a sense of humor for sure.

As I was reflecting on this little coincidence, it dawned on me that for myself and many others I know, it would appear that the chase of freedom is the project of life. I have been working towards freedom ever since I have been breathing. Freedom to make my own choices and grow out of childhood. Freedom to make bad decisions. Freedom from addictions. Freedom to slow down. Freedom to grow. Freedom to make ends meet in the middle. 

Sometimes I feel like that is all I do....chase freedom. 
Malcolm X is attributed to saying "No one can give you freedom". I love that. I find that to be true more and more as the days pass. I have never met anyone that wrapped freedom up with a bow and gave it to me. Freedom for me has come through work...lots and lots of work and time. It's come through making decisions, good and bad.  

Today I am grateful that I can pursue work that I love since I have affordable freedom in obtaining health insurance for my daughter. I am grateful that today I woke up and am healthy and don't have to take a drink to stop the shakes or stick a needle in my arm to get out of bed. Today I am grateful that through chasing freedom I have made a ton of mistakes and have been allowed to walk through the consequences of those. I am grateful for the freedom to share these things with my fellow humans and not feel shame and guilt. 

Today, on Independence day let us show one another some freedom. 

Freedom to say what we think and not be chastised. Freedom to love who we want. Freedom to be ridiculous. Freedom to dance and sing and create chaos. 
Give yourself freedom. Freedom to take a break. Freedom to do something different. Freedom to make a decision. Freedom to go explore.

I wish all of you that kind of freedom. Freedom from your head, freedom to follow your heart. Freedom to make mistakes and keep going. Freedom to love and be loved. Freedom to let people and things go. True freedom...the kind of freedom that "no one can give you".

One Love,
Danielle

A "Process" in the Middle

Hello Friends,

I have been sitting on this blog post for awhile. Partly because I didn't know how to write it. Partly because I didn't know if I wanted to. Partly because I didn't know if what had happened to me was real. And fear....... there is always fear. 

These days (because I'm so old now that apparently I have a set of days that are "back there" and are not anything like today's days).......These days social media is used as a major tool. Personally I use it to grow my business, to have convenient communication and as an avenue to connect with my fellow human beings. 
But what about the things that I want to communicate that are private? What about the stories that I need to tell, that I think are worth telling but have other peoples stories in them too? 
How do I do that and give hope to as many people as possible without turning my blog into some weird confessional? No one wants to read that.....I don't want to write that.
I don't have the answer, except for to be authentic and if I feel like an experience is worth sharing because it will provide light amidst darkness then I have a responsibility to do so. 
So here I am...writing.....again.......

I recently ended a relationship and it was ugly. It wasn't the kind where people know it's coming and they go to eat and split the check and say their courteous "wish you well," and "thanks for the good times"....then get in their respective cars drive away...... cry all the way home........ eat everything that contains sugar that is in their house.......
Well....at least that's how I do it........usually. 
This one wasn't like that. There wasn't enough sugar in the world to make it taste OK.

Nope, this one was yukky, and scary and dramatic and painful. This was an ending that put the whole damn plan into the incinerator and the only solution was to figure out a different damn plan, cause this one....this one was outta here. 
There was no re-directing, altering, rearranging. It was finished..... it was over.....it sucked. It had lies and addiction and broken promises and all that gross stuff that will come along from time to time. 

I was heartbroken and I started this "process" called grief.
I don't know about you guys...... but if it is anything to do with something that is titled a "process" I don't want it. 

I want a starting point and an ending point and I want them clear and direct and preferably with pink bows and streamers. 
And arrows...can we get some arrows up in this bitch so I don't have to navigate much......I'm directionally challenged so that shit would help me out big time! 

In short, I want stuff MY way. I want things done by MY "process", where we all smile and high-five and figure the moves out quick and keep making progress. I don't want these days of "process", days of marinating in emotions, days that swing from desperation to anger to just flat out depressed. You can take your "process" and do you know what with it as long as it is not throwing it over here at me. 

Tell me "it's all a process"....I fucking dare you. 

I hear about people and grief, and how they do it gracefully and with dignity and with composure and I know that's not me. 
My "processes" are like me, a freaking tornado who believes that by bringing a whirlwind through everything that somehow when I stop it will all look put back together again. 
That chaos on top of chaos will negate each other into harmony. So I push and push and pull and stomp and grab and twirl around trying to find my footing again. 

I know it's what I am doing.......... I know that I am out of control.......and I know it is because I have come face to face with the fact that I have no control......and that's hard for a control freak.
We don't like that....it's makes us angry...it makes us panic.

But I know this today, about myself and about days of being stuck in the middle. That awareness is all that it takes to make me grateful some of the time.  

So I have this ending, and I don't know where the new beginning is. I just know that I am so angry, all the time. And sad, and scared.

I am walking in the woods one day and I have this feeling like the whole experience has crushed a part of me that I will never be able to get back. I feel like there is a part of my character..... of my being......my essence........ that has been killed and will never be replaced. 
Then I get more angry that a person/place/thing could have that much power over me. That one human being could do that much damage. Amidst this emotional swamp something else happens.
I start a whole other "process" of acceptance. 

I decide on this walk after talking to the universe (which looks like I am some weird lady talking to herself in the middle of trees...because well...that's how the universe and I do it)
I decide that if this is truly what has happened to me that I will accept it. I will own it. I will admit my part, and I will live with it. I will grieve for that piece of me that is gone. If I am to live without it, if it is truly gone...... then I will. 
I will keep showing up, and it won't be pretty and it won't always be kind but if that's what is required I will push through. I will keep going.

I ask the universe for help. 
I ask to forgive this person. 
I ask to forgive myself for a bad decision. 
I ask to have my sadness removed. 
I ask for help to show up for my life. 

And the help comes. It comes by giving me days where I can't move, and days where I can't stop moving. 
Most days I immediately do what I always do.... which is turn to busyness so I can't feel. I don't have time for that whole feeling thing. 

In the middle of this junk show called a "process" I come out of the other side with 7 jobs.....that's right....7. Five freelance clients, a "normal" W2 job and my business which is growing. Those are just the ones that make money so I can do the really important ones like be a mom and run a house. Did I mention I am also trying to finish a BA I started forever ago in my "free-time" to?
That is what a "process" looks like for me. 
I will live by working myself to death. 
I resign to that fact, I accept it, I just keep going.

But you know what is amazing? That the universe loves me (us) so much that I can do all of that to not go through a "process" and it still has me go through it anyway.
I do everything I can to avoid or dismiss it but it still happens. 

Have I mentioned that I love Marianne Williamson?? Some people ask What Would Jesus Do.......I ask what would Marianne Williamson do......(I think it's along the same lines). 
Marianne would say LOVE. Love because it is the only truth. Love because it is the only solution. Love because it is the only way out. LOVE is the middle....Learning to LOVE is the "process"

I want Marianne Williamson to say "You know what you need to do Danielle?? You need to find this person/place/situation...kick in the door, have a shot of Jack Daniel's, kick it's ass and then light up a cigarette and just stand there watching it bleed everywhere"....because yes....I do wish my life was a Tarantino movie some days.

But that is not what she says. And what do you do when you are in a "process" that is so dark and yukky and gross and fueled by anger that you don't know how to love? 

I asked.....all the time....100 times some days...."Please help me love, Please help me believe that resentment does nothing but poison me. Please show me how to forgive. Please help me." 

Marianne Williamson talks about miracles and she says that a miracle is nothing but a change in thinking.
I ask to think about this experience differently.

She says that a change in perception from hate to love can do what humans cannot. It can repair what we can't fix, it can make the impossible possible. 
I believe her, but in those moments it's not happening. 
I am in the middle of a "process" and I see no way out. I see no love.  

Then, without my permission, in the most unexpected way I get my miracle. 

And this is the part that I don't know how to write about, but it needs to be told. This is the part that proves to every fiber in my being that I am not alone, wandering aimlessly. But rather I am moving forward even when it feels like I am on a sled backwards. 

I am out shopping with my favorite person. I try very hard not to suck others into my times of misery but this day I cave, and in a very sarcastic way I tell her something that I figured out about this person who put me into this God forsaken "process" 

Her response is my miracle. 

Without a single millisecond of hesitation she looks right at me and says "Oh WOW! That is so great that is happening, I really think that will help them allot. Maybe they will be able to get better and be happy."

Holy shit....REALLY??? that was the gut response?..that just happened???

My attempt to continue the misery has just hit steel. 
I have just encountered the Batman (or girl in this case) of light and love. 
I have ZERO response to this. 
I have no logical thought that could disagree with her. 
What is more amazing is that I don't even want to. 

What kind of person would I be if I turned and said "Yeah, well I think that's crap.....they shouldn't have that...they should suffer because I am"????
Even with this feeling that part of my kindness has been taken I still can't believe I am THAT kind of heartless creature. That is not who Danielle is. That is not why I was put here, and I realize at a speed that cannot be measured in time that if I am NOT that person then why I am I living like it? Just because a part of me has been taken away, a deep hurt inflicted, I don't have the right to waste days going around being an asshole. 

She is 100% right. 

It is a great thing that is happening to this person. A great thing for everyone else in this persons life as well. People that they are responsible for, that they love, that they promised to protect and care for are being given just that. 

I am speechless. 
I have this wave of calm come over me and it gets really, really clear. 
I don't feel angry at all anymore, I have compassion and empathy. When I think about this person and visualize their face I don't get mad, I become grateful and happy for them........and this happens in fucking seconds.....weeks and weeks of debilitating anger and fear are completely removed, it just vanishes. 

I start to think that the whole problem, the whole time, my block to love, my block to light was the fact that I was stuck squarely in the middle of MYself. It was ALL about me. It was ALL about my hurt, and my pain and MY"process". 
What is even more exciting and amazing is that the part of me that I thought was taken is instantly back. 
I don't WANT to feel kindness for this person. I DO feel kindness for this person. 

I don't need a relationship with them, I don't need to know what/how they are doing but I do know that the humanity in me genuinely cares about the humanity in them.....and for me, that's all I really ever need inside of me to make a decent life. The humanness in me acknowledging and honoring the humanness in another. 

If you take away all the ways I try to hide my need to feel that connection, the 7 jobs, the incessant cleaning, the planning of plans, the designs I construct to avoid it...... that very thing....that LOVE that "process" saves me. 
The ability for a human to hurt me and yet still give love, because I know that is just part of the "process"....that was my miracle. I can know something for a long time.....but for me....it doesn't stick until I feel it.  

I need to share that because I know there are those out there who are "process" haters like me. So often I hear or read things and people have these miraculous transformations where something just clicks and they have their change in perception, they have their mind set back to truth and love..... they have their miracle....... and I think...
WOW!......"that shit happens to allot of people".......
"I wonder what yoga pose they do to get there!"
OR....
"I wonder how many years they have been meditating".....
OR.....
"I bet they have that whole spiritual thing going on and can hear the good voice in their head instead of the crazy one I hear."

I read about people who are more advanced then me because I want that. I study choices in others so I can try and navigate my own. I read. I talk to the universe and try and stay quiet so things can settle. I get discouraged because instead of allowing room for growth I compare my "process" to others. I get stuck in this place where I don't think I will ever grow out of a bad habit, or stop participating in something that does not serve the higher good. I know I am not alone here....I know there are those of you who have this conversation to. 
Why do people like Oprah and Marianne Williamson become famous??....because they make the process shit look easy! I am here to tell you, now that I know it to be true, from my own personal experience that it does not have to be pretty to work. It can be a traveling circus of junk shows and it will still happen...and it will still be just as amazing and beautiful.  

This is what I know to be truth today, because it happened to me, because it was real......the ONLY requirement for receiving your miracle of right-mindedness is to show up and know that while it may not be happening to you it does in fact exist.....somewhere.....
maybe on a random Wednesday.....
maybe during a normal errand you have done a thousand times......
maybe it will come from a cashier, the radio, a billboard...
or maybe it will come from your own personal Batgirl...... 

I don't know. Chances are though, it will happen in the middle....the middle of a "process"

One Love,
Danielle

In the Middle of Tulips

Hello Friends,
It has been awhile since I checked in with all of you lovelies and I thought I should get the fingers going and see what happens. April was all about Tulips in my house.....and let me say.... tulips have the ability to make one great month!

For those of you that live elsewhere, Washington State is home to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, a world renowned event. I have been lucky enough to go for the last couple of years and this year was special because I was able to go not once.....but twice!!! 
Yeah....we were lookin at some tulips like a pro! Calling them by their fancy names and stuff. 
It was no longer "Hey! Look at that crazy orange/red spiky.... looks like dancing bird things from David Bowies Labrinth ones!! Those are my favorite!!! 

To a little more refined....a little more gardener-ish....like.....
"OH...look at that beautiful cluster of Apricot Sunrise Parrot Tulips!! Those are lovely!!" (did you hear my gardener accent?? I knew you would!!) 

For a minute I almost had myself convinced I knew what I was doing....then I was so busy gawking that I ran into some lady with a stroller and after an apology and a piece of fudge...(yeah...I forgot to mention that they had fudge there so the amazing factor was shot up to way over 1000 because I could taste chocolate AND see acres of tulips all at the same time!) 

Anyway.....running a lady over.....eating fudge.....we got back to normal pretty fast. Dancing bird tulips it is......

I love people watching. Tulip festival...any festival really...hell the sidewalk on a Saturday will do in a pinch.....are fantastic for people watching. Here are some of my observations...or judgments......you know whatever you like to call them! The stuff that makes me think...the stuff that I will write books about someday. The stuff that makes me love all you crazy humans!

#1. Humans are all the same.....very few of us can follow directions.

We ALL want a picture or selfie or full on photo shoot (no kidding...some people bring all the gear) in the middle of the tulip field. 
We ALL want the family photo, the engagement picture of kissing in a field of red and yellow happiness, the selfie for Facebook that is at an angle that makes you look like you are Queen/King of the damn tulips.....we get it. 
It's pretty and so are you.... and your screaming kids... and your significant other that looks as though he would rather be waiting for you at the Macy's fitting room because God knows at least someone got smart and put ESPN on a TV there.....
Point is we ALL want to feel special.....I know darling....and you are...but for the love of God STAY OUTTA THE DAMN TULIPS......
But they (we) don't.....
Because we can't follow directions....it comes with that whole free -will thing I think.....

#2. There are very few jobs worse then the one where you are the guy with the bright orange crossing guard flag and your sole purpose for who knows how many hours a day is to keep people OUTTA THE DAMN TULIPS! (need I say more??)

Yeah......those people......they need hugs....and I sincerely hope they get all the free fudge they can eat...because those guys.....sainthood status right there on the ol' patience meter.

You will have to convince yourself (or in my case several times) that #3.it is NOT OK to run naked through the tulips!!!
Ok...it was cold so maybe not naked....but hey...if all these people are doing this half/ass in the middle of the row thing....lets go for it....
lets go all the way!! 
Streak through the tulips!!! YES!!!!!.......
no.....no we can't be one of those people that the poor flag guys want to assault...not today.

#4. Nobody is in a hurry until they are in a line.

I got over lines when I lived in London.....living in a city with millions will do that to you....and now this advantage makes my Tulip Town trip much more enjoyable. I don't need to "hurry up to see the flowers".....they are everywhere buddy....calm it down!

If you can get through the line you may find that.........

#5. Flowers make people happy and happy people give love.
People hold hands and kiss and hug and smile allot more when they are happy....or when there is fudge.....maybe it's the fudge...........

#6. Traditions are important, because they create memories that stand out.

You know what I remember from being a kid?? The stuff we did over and over and over again. 

The Friday night TGIF TV marathon in my mom's bed with popcorn. The trips driving to Spokane with my grandparents and stopping at the same restaurant for lunch every time...every year. The trips to the ocean with my other grandparents and cousins. The song about a chicken laying a hard boiled egg my grandma would sing with me every time I was at her house. The little blueberry muffins my grandma would bring me before piano lessons. 

Tulip festival is like that...and you can hear it in the conversations as people walk by. 

"Oh you remember last year when......???" 
"Do you think that 3 years ago they had this set up right here to?" 

"I hope they have that good fudge!!".....
(OK.....so maybe that was me)

"They didn't have this field open last time we were here"

Tradition makes people sentimental.....sentiment makes people feel loving. The world needs more love so maybe we can all start by making new traditions. The tulip festival tradition is not an old one for me, but my hope is that by dragging as many people as I can along with me every year I can enhance this tradition that I started for myself and maybe inspire a tradition in them. 

I love the Tulip Festival because it is a tradition for me that fills me with love.....and my heart is so big when I am there that I kind of want to skip everywhere. That's special....and you can see that in others when you are there if you pay attention. Which kind of circles back to how we all think we are different....but really we are all the same.

And finally~

#7. If I ever own a tulip field I will have a section where every little kid who wants to pick a tulip can and every grown-up (or not) who wants to run through them can as well. 
Because the world also needs more places where we can pick flowers and run with ridiculous joy. 

Like any great tulip festival patron I spent a ridiculous amount of money on an armload of tulip bouquets that made me ridiculously happy for a solid 2 weeks after. Which was worth every penny. Tulips and tradition....two things that bring me joy in the "middle".

My tulip trips were so inspiring that I came home and made tulip soap! Now I can even have tulips in the shower! 

As my way of sharing tulip love I will randomly select 3 winners to receive a FREE bar of SoapSociety tulip soap. Share YOUR favorite tradition that makes you want to skip happy in the comments below to enter. 

One love,
Danielle

Finding "Little" In the Middle #1

Hello Friends,

I haven't posted in a couple weeks and I think it is because I have had a case of writers block. That and I have been in a mad scramble....mostly of my own making......as usual......to put together some freelance opportunities. Today was the first day in several that I have had a moment to breathe......kind of sounds like everyone's life huh??

I was thinking today about how much joy writing this little ol' blog has given me and wondered what I should right about next.......hmmmmmm........couldn't come up with much. I started reading some other blogs and articles and it seemed as though I kept running across writers talking about how they write even when they don't think they have anything to write about. They write for practice, they write when they are empty of ideas, they write because even writers.....even the really great ones have middles. Places where there is nothing new and exciting but nothing is done and definite yet either. 

Oh those damn middles.......

So I racked my brain all day today, having the feeling like I wanted to write, like I needed to but not sure about what. I was stuck in this trap of believing that I had to have some phenomenal happening.....some great epiphany before I could start to let my fingers talk. I started to think about how the purpose of this blog for me is to try and spread joy. To try and spread love, humor, honesty, connection.....oh the list got long........the list needed a list by the time I was done.

It occurred to me that I should maybe write about the "little" things that have been bringing me joy lately. I'm a big believer in little things.....little things make big things happen....little things change lives......little things have changed my life......more then once actually. 

Springtime provides us all a great environment to look for and start to notice "little" things......I was walking today on a trail near my house....I am super lucky and live where there are a million "little" trails....but today I was on a section of one that I usually don't do and the change in scenery helped me to notice all of the life that is coming out right now. 

"Little" blades of green poking out on the sides of the trail......"little" buds that will soon explode into blossoms on trees......"little" chirps in trees from birds that have just found their voices. Lots of "little" things out there today......made me smile.....made my heart BIG.

I have "little" leaves of spinach and lettuce coming up in my garden. My chickens have started to work hard at giving me 2 "little" eggs a day again so I can make my fried egg sandwich in the morning and say a "little" thank you to them for their participation and hard work. 

I went on a "little" trip awhile ago and was eating breakfast in a restaurant where I started to talk to a couple that was sitting behind me. Through the course of conversation we discovered that all of us were entrepreneurs of some kind and we exchanged mailing addresses. A couple days ago I received a "little" package from them with a set of these beautiful cards with their photographs on them. 

I took my Frida Kahlo fabric and made my first pillowcase......this "little" piece of decor makes me smile EVERY time I see it.....and it makes me feel like a badass because I made it.  If Frida Kahlo saw it she would give me a high-five. 

Then when Ms M saw it she thought it was so cool she wanted to rummage through my fabric and have one of her own out of a pattern she picked. 

I was able to make her a one-of-a-kind...full of handmade mistakes pillowcase and felt like the Mom of the year award was now in the bag........27 inches of fabric....that "little" amount of material and a "little" amount of time gave me a feeling that I have lost sleep over not having.......but "mom guilt" is way to heavy and complex of a subject for this time....besides we are focusing on JOY dammit.....

I took a "little" bit of time off and went down to see my grandparents. My grandma and I talked in her living room until midnight about all the "little" things and I am more convinced than ever that when I grow up I want to be just like her.........It's the "little" things I tell ya.......

My amazing girl who took her first "selfie" decided that I was the person she would send it to and then we spent the rest of the night taking ridiculous selfies and laughing hysterically......because when you have BIG things like each other you can make quality entertainment out of almost any "little" thing.

So as I was thinking about how nothing BIG had happened to me....at least nothing that warranted a post anyways....... I found out that a ton of "little" things had been happening all along that make my life really really BIG and awesome, and wonderful. 

You read posts and quotes and inspirational articles all the time about this right? "stop and smell the roses"..."take time to play"....."slow down".......etc......it all can be so overwhelming.

I feel like I should start scheduling moments of joy so they make their way in there....I might miss them if I don't give them a spot on the agenda. When in reality I just want a day where we all have clean socks and underwear.........where the house isn't out of control....where I don't feel like I have left my mind somewhere and have no hopes of ever recovering it...where after balancing my personal finance spreadsheet 4 times in a morning I don't realize I have missed a bill and a dentist appointment all in the same day........you give me that shit and I will stop to smell whatever you want......

And this is what I have noticed.....that while trying to get the clean socks and underwear in check I find "little" things....like notes from my daughter about how much she loves her new favorite band and I laugh out loud about what 13 feels like and how cool it is that music warrants a love note to the universe at that age....it also makes me think that maybe I should have sent that love letter into Def Leppard circa 88 after all...hmmmm.....maybe another time. 

When I am trying to clean off that one thing in my kitchen that is supposed to hold my cookbooks but literally ends up being the biggest junk magnet I own I find a knick-knack that has been passed down to me through generations.......(who all kept it on their junk magnet cabinet/table/shelf thing to.......I know it.) and I dust it off and put it in my kitchen window so when I am trying to sort through the sink full of dishes I look at it and it makes the dishes not so bad and I smile.

And how I get really really grateful that today I am in a place where that bill I forgot can be paid.....not ignored because there just isn't the money to deal with it and that I can drop it off in the mail on my way to the dentist appointment that I rescheduled because I am a grown up and I know for sure that if I can be proactive about keeping my teeth I should.

All those little things......

What "little" things have made your life BIG lately??

One Love,
Danielle

Hope in the Middle

I have been thinking about hope lately. Perhaps it is because I am squarely in the "Middle" of my big transition so there have been days that have felt...well....kind of hopeless. 
When I made the decision to leave my career it was the beginning......bright and shiny and full of possibility.
You know...like all beginnings. Beginnings are like that so we have the courage to start new things! 

If a beginning came and was saying "Yo! Lady......I got some stuff that is pretty mediocre over here and I think you might like some of it...probably going to have to work your ass off but you know...it might be kind of alright" all of us would say "uhhh..yeah....maybe next time buddy." 

But beginnings don't say that.

They show up in a 3 piece suit smellin all good, winking and are saying "hey miss lady...look what I have been saving just for you....I have been looking all over for someone who can do this and I am just so grateful I ran into you"........
Well shit Mr Beginning!!!!.....I'm glad you're here too!! Lets do this!! 

No??
Maybe not.....maybe that is just how they show up for me......

In any case all of us know the exhilaration of doing something NEW!! and EXCITING!! and BIG!! Some of us are brave and do it frequently. We seek out the beginnings, we crave them. Some of us love them so much that it's all we know how to do! 
Ever meet the person that is ALWAYS starting something? They have a new business, they are learning a new craft, they join a new organization......you know the ones I am talking about.
And I love them....I do.....they are passionate and in a world that says "you can't"......allot......they remind us we can....every week if we want. 
God bless the serial beginners....they give me hope. 

So I had my beginning...the leap of faith. It was shiny and new and awesome and smellin all good and winking!! YES!!




And now.....well.....we are in the Middle.....blah......

Not going to lie guys...I was expecting the thrill of being able to include Yoga pants into my daily attire, a welcome change from corporate clothes, to last longer.......I was thinking that the happiness of being able to wear flip flops all year round would never get old. I was sure that the thrill of being able to say yes to a friends random lunch invitation in the middle of the week because I could work around THEIR schedule since mine was going to be flexible would keep me super pumped every day.

And to a point I still am.....and I am grateful......
I try not to confuse being hopeless with being ungrateful...they are two very different emotions in my book and I think that they have coexisted for me in weird ways at certain points in my life. 

So here I am in the "Middle". The big projects I have been planning for the last 14 years..they have begun...well most of them....with about 15 new ones added. 

My first great gardening experiment, I'm growing my business, I'm outside more. I'm connecting with the people I love more. I'm participating in my daughters life more.
There is so much more.....and again I'm grateful.....but it's the middle now.....it's the "stick to it"...."put your money where your mouth is"......"hang in there"......."don't give up"...............
freaking "Middle". 

We have no outcome....we have no idea of the ending....there is no peek at the timeline that shows if this shenanigan actually works. 

And I will let you in on a little secret.....(OK.....probably not little but I don't like to admit it very much).....I suck at "Middles".

For me it's because they always creep in the same way. For a couple solid days....weeks......there have been some whole months along the way over the years where I just get this underlying feeling of hopelessness......
And once that crazy lady Hopelessness shows up all bets are off.....because you know who she brings to the party in my head?? 
Her evil cousin Doubt.......and then they invite Queen Insecurity to come play...before you know it I am hanging out with all those chicks.....
It's not a fun party....and they always out-stay their welcome......

It's because they are the 3 bitches of Middles.......they want to tell me all about my mistakes and my failures and about how dumb it was to listen to Mr Shiny New Beginning....cause you know...that guy.....he's always been nothing but trouble. 

"I should have seen this from a mile away." 

"How could I possibly think that this would work?" 

All this "do what you love" talk is just a plot.....it's an evil plan to massacre my life and now I have really gone and done it! 

Shame on me.......so irresponsible..........

You know what I am talking about......we all have extended stays with these lovely unwanted house guests.

So they have been hanging around me and my "Middle" for a little bit now.....and I was starting to get worried......(you know because their best friend Fear never stays away from the party for to long)

Today I am driving down the road thinking about Hope....and the concept of it and the times I have felt it and who has shown it to me and I remembered an experience I had. 
I think I should share it with you...because when I can remember to remember it.....(yeah....I have problems remembering to remember ....you know what I mean??) It kicks the hell out Ms Hopelessness Ms Doubt, Queen of Insecurity and Ms Fear. 
They just cower and run away because Lady Hope shows up as such a bad ass in this story that they don't even try.....they just pack up their snacks and go back to where they came from. 

Out of courtesy I will just call my friend in this story D. 

D comes to see me at a job I have allot. We like each other. We talk about stuff and life and kids and craziness and we laugh. She is animated and loud and I love her. She is intense and opinionated and incredibly transparent in her communication with me and I always think she is brave for being so open. 

One day D comes in and it is obvious she is upset. Her eyes are red and she is a little shaky and she just isn't her usual self. D has had years of health problems and today is a bad day. A doctors visit brought not such great news and she is having a hard time with it. 

We get teary eyed and I do the only thing I know how which is hug her. She leaves.......and I talk to the universe allot and ask it to help D. 

A couple days later D comes back and she is different. She is being her happy, loud, crazy self! I instantly get curious! What in hell could have happened in 3-4 days to produce such a complete turn around from such devastating news? 
We say are usual pleasantries and then I just can't stand it anymore.....I have to know......I have to ask......What happened?? Were the doctors wrong?? Mix up in paper work? 

Wait.....she won the lottery! 
YES!

No........

So I ask.....and this is her response

" I went home and have spent the last couple days planting over 250 spring bulbs in my yard. I have absolutely no idea if I will get a chance to see any of them bloom, but somebody will."

I just sit there......and let that process for a minute

I don't know what to say.....so I just start to cry.....and then of course hug her because that's always what I do when I don't know what to do....cry and hug.....

"Didn't that thought make you sad?".........I ask
"No way! (BIG smile on her face) All those bulbs are going to sit out underneath all the snow this winter and just give me hope!"

So after more hugging and crying.....(this is why I sucked in corporate...they don't like huggers and they definitely do NOT like criers) she leaves and I thank the Universe for allowing me to know her. 

So...... I'm driving down the road today and I am hanging out with Hopelessness, and Doubt and Queen of Insecurities and Fear and I see a Daffodil.........
And I remember that story.......
And I get a little watery eyed. 

Then I remember that I can plant spring bulbs every day in my times of "Middle" if I need to. 

If a woman who is dying solves that grave proposition by planting life...even if it's just so someone else can see it....... 
If she answers her "you cants" with that kind of "I sure CAN...watch me"...... then what the hell am I worried about??

My life isn't asking me to have even an ounce of that much courage...........it's giving me a chance to show up and plant..........to plant my own hope...........no matter what........

I have never looked at a Tulip or a Daffodil or a Hyacinth or any other spring bulb flower the same way again.....and I hope now you see them differently to.

One Love,
Danielle

Telling Secrets

So by now I think that everyone has heard of PostSecret, however, the last few times I have brought it up the person I was talking with had no idea! By the third incident it was clear........I had to do my part and spread the word.

 For those of you that are unfamiliar,  PostSecret started as one man's social experiment and morphed into a unique solution to one of our most basic human struggles..........the toll keeping secrets takes on our mental, emotional and sometimes physical health. 

Frank Warren, the creator of PostSecret had an idea for a "group art project". He handed out postcards on the streets that requested people to write a previously unspoken/written secret, decorate the postcard and mail it back anonymously. Crazy........just so crazy that it freaking worked! Soon it was on Blogger and new secrets were posted weekly. Now it is a top 10 website that still shares weekly posts of new secrets. I would love to ramble on and on about the history of PostSecret, but Frank Warren himself does a much better job telling his story on a TED talk.......if you are interested you can find that talk HERE.

Ever since I discovered PostSecret I have been fascinated by it. Every Sunday I get up.....coffee in hand and discover other peoples "secrets"......ooooooooooo........sneaky.....I know!! Over the years I have become attached to this time.......this unveiling of sorts where in the privacy and comfort of my own home I can get a peek at the raw unfiltered parts of the human condition.....have access to the things religious confessionals and personal inventory sheets only see. The secrets we hide from strangers and more often then not from those we love the most. Maybe I love it so much because some of them make me giggle out loud.........others are so painfully awkward that I couldn't imagine having them......yet others are so sad I have been known to get teary eyed. Maybe it's because I was a Pych major and the mind fascinates me...maybe it's because I share some of the same secrets as others......maybe it's because some part of me knows that a person somewhere wrote down that secret and hopefully got a little relief from the heavy load it takes to carry that stuff around.......even just for a minute....they had a little freedom from it. 

The amazing thing about PostSecret and the reason why I think it works is that it fills a huge psychological need that we all have. Ever heard the saying "secrets keep you sick"......it's true...they do.....and the really bad ones are the things that ruin a life or make you take all the wrong roads or if you're really lucky get you a Lifetime movie screenplay that may bring in a couple bucks here and there. The bottom line is they rarely help a person out.......they eat at you....gnaw at your insides and poke at you....making you fearful and uncomfortable....always wondering if they will be FOUND OUT.......GASP.......not cool.......

PostSecret provides people a way to let these secrets out.....with the protection of anonymity. Think about how awesome that is.......apply it to yourself........

What would YOU tell if you knew that no one would be able to trace it back to you??

How would you feel if you didn't have to carry around that big heavy chunk of yuk solo? What if you were to come clean and just say it......your resentment about that lady at your work......that hurt you felt but pretended it was OK...........that pressure you constantly feel from someones expectations of you or one that you put on yourself......that fear that paralyzes you.....that loneliness that doesn't have a name but is present all the time.......

I did it once.......not PostSecret....but something along the lines of a tell all your shit to another so it's not camping out in your head and your heart...... partying with all your other bad friends in there and making you and your life suck in general...you know...that kind of exercise.......

It was terrifying.....and yet...it is one of the most helpful and freeing experiences I have ever had in my life.....

After finishing this sort of internal trash removal I was sitting on my front porch and I had this wave of energy come over me.....the best way I have ever heard it described is this........"you know when you are a kid and it's perfect outside and you are riding your bike and the wind is in your face and you are smiling and are warm and fuzzy and totally free......just happy to be that free....???"

That's the one........

That's the feeling I had after telling my secrets.........and it still knocks my socks off just remembering it. 

No lie......it's that freakin great.

So much of our energy is spent hiding....or trying to make up for some kind of real or imagined harm or failure....what if we had a place to let that go? What if we could trust each other enough to provide that kind of acceptance to one another?

 I would love to say the answer is to just live right....not keep secrets and then the problem wouldn't even exist...but lets get real..We are humans....I don't know about you guys but chances are I'm still not going to wave to so-and-so and act like I don't see them because I think their an asshole for freaking out on the checker at Safeway.

I probably am not going to let the other moms know that while I am smiling and waving when picking up my kiddo from school I have the most obnoxious and disgusting ghetto fabulous rap songs playing in my ear-buds because I secretly enjoy the fact that they would be appalled at my taste in music......

BTW......Lil Wayne wants you to lick him like a lollipop bithces....yeah...that's right......I went there and they never even knew........

All just examples I assure you.......I always smile and wave.....and only listen to Kenny G on school grounds......just a few hypothetical scenarios.....you know......to get the imagination going......you get the picture....

The point is this......there is a human need to keep things but there is an equally strong need to let them go......it is through the power of honest confession that freedom from these burdens of being human are found.

How much happier would we be if we had random PostSecret boxes around. What if instead of losing sleep about hating your mother-in-laws coupon obsession you could write it down....send it out into the universe and know that it was out......no reason to spend energy forcing it back down......

What if we accepted our secrets....processed them....and used them as fuel to connect with each other?? 
To hard you say?? 
The success of PostSecret says it's not.....and even more important that it is needed. 

Do yourself a favor.......tell one of your secrets today.......

Write an anonymous postcard.....put one on a piece of cardboard and then burn it.....tell it to the squirrel that hangs out in your yard....he sees you doing it anyway......just do it.....give yourself a chance to unload the burden of secret....see how much better you feel.

To learn more about PostSecret you can visit the site HERE

To learn more about how this experiment is making a real difference in peoples life a great article can be found HERE

One Love,

Danielle