Hope in the Middle

I have been thinking about hope lately. Perhaps it is because I am squarely in the "Middle" of my big transition so there have been days that have felt...well....kind of hopeless. 
When I made the decision to leave my career it was the beginning......bright and shiny and full of possibility.
You know...like all beginnings. Beginnings are like that so we have the courage to start new things! 

If a beginning came and was saying "Yo! Lady......I got some stuff that is pretty mediocre over here and I think you might like some of it...probably going to have to work your ass off but you know...it might be kind of alright" all of us would say "uhhh..yeah....maybe next time buddy." 

But beginnings don't say that.

They show up in a 3 piece suit smellin all good, winking and are saying "hey miss lady...look what I have been saving just for you....I have been looking all over for someone who can do this and I am just so grateful I ran into you"........
Well shit Mr Beginning!!!!.....I'm glad you're here too!! Lets do this!! 

No??
Maybe not.....maybe that is just how they show up for me......

In any case all of us know the exhilaration of doing something NEW!! and EXCITING!! and BIG!! Some of us are brave and do it frequently. We seek out the beginnings, we crave them. Some of us love them so much that it's all we know how to do! 
Ever meet the person that is ALWAYS starting something? They have a new business, they are learning a new craft, they join a new organization......you know the ones I am talking about.
And I love them....I do.....they are passionate and in a world that says "you can't"......allot......they remind us we can....every week if we want. 
God bless the serial beginners....they give me hope. 

So I had my beginning...the leap of faith. It was shiny and new and awesome and smellin all good and winking!! YES!!




And now.....well.....we are in the Middle.....blah......

Not going to lie guys...I was expecting the thrill of being able to include Yoga pants into my daily attire, a welcome change from corporate clothes, to last longer.......I was thinking that the happiness of being able to wear flip flops all year round would never get old. I was sure that the thrill of being able to say yes to a friends random lunch invitation in the middle of the week because I could work around THEIR schedule since mine was going to be flexible would keep me super pumped every day.

And to a point I still am.....and I am grateful......
I try not to confuse being hopeless with being ungrateful...they are two very different emotions in my book and I think that they have coexisted for me in weird ways at certain points in my life. 

So here I am in the "Middle". The big projects I have been planning for the last 14 years..they have begun...well most of them....with about 15 new ones added. 

My first great gardening experiment, I'm growing my business, I'm outside more. I'm connecting with the people I love more. I'm participating in my daughters life more.
There is so much more.....and again I'm grateful.....but it's the middle now.....it's the "stick to it"...."put your money where your mouth is"......"hang in there"......."don't give up"...............
freaking "Middle". 

We have no outcome....we have no idea of the ending....there is no peek at the timeline that shows if this shenanigan actually works. 

And I will let you in on a little secret.....(OK.....probably not little but I don't like to admit it very much).....I suck at "Middles".

For me it's because they always creep in the same way. For a couple solid days....weeks......there have been some whole months along the way over the years where I just get this underlying feeling of hopelessness......
And once that crazy lady Hopelessness shows up all bets are off.....because you know who she brings to the party in my head?? 
Her evil cousin Doubt.......and then they invite Queen Insecurity to come play...before you know it I am hanging out with all those chicks.....
It's not a fun party....and they always out-stay their welcome......

It's because they are the 3 bitches of Middles.......they want to tell me all about my mistakes and my failures and about how dumb it was to listen to Mr Shiny New Beginning....cause you know...that guy.....he's always been nothing but trouble. 

"I should have seen this from a mile away." 

"How could I possibly think that this would work?" 

All this "do what you love" talk is just a plot.....it's an evil plan to massacre my life and now I have really gone and done it! 

Shame on me.......so irresponsible..........

You know what I am talking about......we all have extended stays with these lovely unwanted house guests.

So they have been hanging around me and my "Middle" for a little bit now.....and I was starting to get worried......(you know because their best friend Fear never stays away from the party for to long)

Today I am driving down the road thinking about Hope....and the concept of it and the times I have felt it and who has shown it to me and I remembered an experience I had. 
I think I should share it with you...because when I can remember to remember it.....(yeah....I have problems remembering to remember ....you know what I mean??) It kicks the hell out Ms Hopelessness Ms Doubt, Queen of Insecurity and Ms Fear. 
They just cower and run away because Lady Hope shows up as such a bad ass in this story that they don't even try.....they just pack up their snacks and go back to where they came from. 

Out of courtesy I will just call my friend in this story D. 

D comes to see me at a job I have allot. We like each other. We talk about stuff and life and kids and craziness and we laugh. She is animated and loud and I love her. She is intense and opinionated and incredibly transparent in her communication with me and I always think she is brave for being so open. 

One day D comes in and it is obvious she is upset. Her eyes are red and she is a little shaky and she just isn't her usual self. D has had years of health problems and today is a bad day. A doctors visit brought not such great news and she is having a hard time with it. 

We get teary eyed and I do the only thing I know how which is hug her. She leaves.......and I talk to the universe allot and ask it to help D. 

A couple days later D comes back and she is different. She is being her happy, loud, crazy self! I instantly get curious! What in hell could have happened in 3-4 days to produce such a complete turn around from such devastating news? 
We say are usual pleasantries and then I just can't stand it anymore.....I have to know......I have to ask......What happened?? Were the doctors wrong?? Mix up in paper work? 

Wait.....she won the lottery! 
YES!

No........

So I ask.....and this is her response

" I went home and have spent the last couple days planting over 250 spring bulbs in my yard. I have absolutely no idea if I will get a chance to see any of them bloom, but somebody will."

I just sit there......and let that process for a minute

I don't know what to say.....so I just start to cry.....and then of course hug her because that's always what I do when I don't know what to do....cry and hug.....

"Didn't that thought make you sad?".........I ask
"No way! (BIG smile on her face) All those bulbs are going to sit out underneath all the snow this winter and just give me hope!"

So after more hugging and crying.....(this is why I sucked in corporate...they don't like huggers and they definitely do NOT like criers) she leaves and I thank the Universe for allowing me to know her. 

So...... I'm driving down the road today and I am hanging out with Hopelessness, and Doubt and Queen of Insecurities and Fear and I see a Daffodil.........
And I remember that story.......
And I get a little watery eyed. 

Then I remember that I can plant spring bulbs every day in my times of "Middle" if I need to. 

If a woman who is dying solves that grave proposition by planting life...even if it's just so someone else can see it....... 
If she answers her "you cants" with that kind of "I sure CAN...watch me"...... then what the hell am I worried about??

My life isn't asking me to have even an ounce of that much courage...........it's giving me a chance to show up and plant..........to plant my own hope...........no matter what........

I have never looked at a Tulip or a Daffodil or a Hyacinth or any other spring bulb flower the same way again.....and I hope now you see them differently to.

One Love,
Danielle