Finding "Little" In the Middle #1

Hello Friends,

I haven't posted in a couple weeks and I think it is because I have had a case of writers block. That and I have been in a mad scramble....mostly of my own making......as usual......to put together some freelance opportunities. Today was the first day in several that I have had a moment to breathe......kind of sounds like everyone's life huh??

I was thinking today about how much joy writing this little ol' blog has given me and wondered what I should right about next.......hmmmmmm........couldn't come up with much. I started reading some other blogs and articles and it seemed as though I kept running across writers talking about how they write even when they don't think they have anything to write about. They write for practice, they write when they are empty of ideas, they write because even writers.....even the really great ones have middles. Places where there is nothing new and exciting but nothing is done and definite yet either. 

Oh those damn middles.......

So I racked my brain all day today, having the feeling like I wanted to write, like I needed to but not sure about what. I was stuck in this trap of believing that I had to have some phenomenal happening.....some great epiphany before I could start to let my fingers talk. I started to think about how the purpose of this blog for me is to try and spread joy. To try and spread love, humor, honesty, connection.....oh the list got long........the list needed a list by the time I was done.

It occurred to me that I should maybe write about the "little" things that have been bringing me joy lately. I'm a big believer in little things.....little things make big things happen....little things change lives......little things have changed my life......more then once actually. 

Springtime provides us all a great environment to look for and start to notice "little" things......I was walking today on a trail near my house....I am super lucky and live where there are a million "little" trails....but today I was on a section of one that I usually don't do and the change in scenery helped me to notice all of the life that is coming out right now. 

"Little" blades of green poking out on the sides of the trail......"little" buds that will soon explode into blossoms on trees......"little" chirps in trees from birds that have just found their voices. Lots of "little" things out there today......made me smile.....made my heart BIG.

I have "little" leaves of spinach and lettuce coming up in my garden. My chickens have started to work hard at giving me 2 "little" eggs a day again so I can make my fried egg sandwich in the morning and say a "little" thank you to them for their participation and hard work. 

I went on a "little" trip awhile ago and was eating breakfast in a restaurant where I started to talk to a couple that was sitting behind me. Through the course of conversation we discovered that all of us were entrepreneurs of some kind and we exchanged mailing addresses. A couple days ago I received a "little" package from them with a set of these beautiful cards with their photographs on them. 

I took my Frida Kahlo fabric and made my first pillowcase......this "little" piece of decor makes me smile EVERY time I see it.....and it makes me feel like a badass because I made it.  If Frida Kahlo saw it she would give me a high-five. 

Then when Ms M saw it she thought it was so cool she wanted to rummage through my fabric and have one of her own out of a pattern she picked. 

I was able to make her a one-of-a-kind...full of handmade mistakes pillowcase and felt like the Mom of the year award was now in the bag........27 inches of fabric....that "little" amount of material and a "little" amount of time gave me a feeling that I have lost sleep over not having.......but "mom guilt" is way to heavy and complex of a subject for this time....besides we are focusing on JOY dammit.....

I took a "little" bit of time off and went down to see my grandparents. My grandma and I talked in her living room until midnight about all the "little" things and I am more convinced than ever that when I grow up I want to be just like her.........It's the "little" things I tell ya.......

My amazing girl who took her first "selfie" decided that I was the person she would send it to and then we spent the rest of the night taking ridiculous selfies and laughing hysterically......because when you have BIG things like each other you can make quality entertainment out of almost any "little" thing.

So as I was thinking about how nothing BIG had happened to me....at least nothing that warranted a post anyways....... I found out that a ton of "little" things had been happening all along that make my life really really BIG and awesome, and wonderful. 

You read posts and quotes and inspirational articles all the time about this right? "stop and smell the roses"..."take time to play"....."slow down".......etc......it all can be so overwhelming.

I feel like I should start scheduling moments of joy so they make their way in there....I might miss them if I don't give them a spot on the agenda. When in reality I just want a day where we all have clean socks and underwear.........where the house isn't out of control....where I don't feel like I have left my mind somewhere and have no hopes of ever recovering it...where after balancing my personal finance spreadsheet 4 times in a morning I don't realize I have missed a bill and a dentist appointment all in the same day........you give me that shit and I will stop to smell whatever you want......

And this is what I have noticed.....that while trying to get the clean socks and underwear in check I find "little" things....like notes from my daughter about how much she loves her new favorite band and I laugh out loud about what 13 feels like and how cool it is that music warrants a love note to the universe at that age....it also makes me think that maybe I should have sent that love letter into Def Leppard circa 88 after all...hmmmm.....maybe another time. 

When I am trying to clean off that one thing in my kitchen that is supposed to hold my cookbooks but literally ends up being the biggest junk magnet I own I find a knick-knack that has been passed down to me through generations.......(who all kept it on their junk magnet cabinet/table/shelf thing to.......I know it.) and I dust it off and put it in my kitchen window so when I am trying to sort through the sink full of dishes I look at it and it makes the dishes not so bad and I smile.

And how I get really really grateful that today I am in a place where that bill I forgot can be paid.....not ignored because there just isn't the money to deal with it and that I can drop it off in the mail on my way to the dentist appointment that I rescheduled because I am a grown up and I know for sure that if I can be proactive about keeping my teeth I should.

All those little things......

What "little" things have made your life BIG lately??

One Love,
Danielle

Hope in the Middle

I have been thinking about hope lately. Perhaps it is because I am squarely in the "Middle" of my big transition so there have been days that have felt...well....kind of hopeless. 
When I made the decision to leave my career it was the beginning......bright and shiny and full of possibility.
You know...like all beginnings. Beginnings are like that so we have the courage to start new things! 

If a beginning came and was saying "Yo! Lady......I got some stuff that is pretty mediocre over here and I think you might like some of it...probably going to have to work your ass off but you know...it might be kind of alright" all of us would say "uhhh..yeah....maybe next time buddy." 

But beginnings don't say that.

They show up in a 3 piece suit smellin all good, winking and are saying "hey miss lady...look what I have been saving just for you....I have been looking all over for someone who can do this and I am just so grateful I ran into you"........
Well shit Mr Beginning!!!!.....I'm glad you're here too!! Lets do this!! 

No??
Maybe not.....maybe that is just how they show up for me......

In any case all of us know the exhilaration of doing something NEW!! and EXCITING!! and BIG!! Some of us are brave and do it frequently. We seek out the beginnings, we crave them. Some of us love them so much that it's all we know how to do! 
Ever meet the person that is ALWAYS starting something? They have a new business, they are learning a new craft, they join a new organization......you know the ones I am talking about.
And I love them....I do.....they are passionate and in a world that says "you can't"......allot......they remind us we can....every week if we want. 
God bless the serial beginners....they give me hope. 

So I had my beginning...the leap of faith. It was shiny and new and awesome and smellin all good and winking!! YES!!




And now.....well.....we are in the Middle.....blah......

Not going to lie guys...I was expecting the thrill of being able to include Yoga pants into my daily attire, a welcome change from corporate clothes, to last longer.......I was thinking that the happiness of being able to wear flip flops all year round would never get old. I was sure that the thrill of being able to say yes to a friends random lunch invitation in the middle of the week because I could work around THEIR schedule since mine was going to be flexible would keep me super pumped every day.

And to a point I still am.....and I am grateful......
I try not to confuse being hopeless with being ungrateful...they are two very different emotions in my book and I think that they have coexisted for me in weird ways at certain points in my life. 

So here I am in the "Middle". The big projects I have been planning for the last 14 years..they have begun...well most of them....with about 15 new ones added. 

My first great gardening experiment, I'm growing my business, I'm outside more. I'm connecting with the people I love more. I'm participating in my daughters life more.
There is so much more.....and again I'm grateful.....but it's the middle now.....it's the "stick to it"...."put your money where your mouth is"......"hang in there"......."don't give up"...............
freaking "Middle". 

We have no outcome....we have no idea of the ending....there is no peek at the timeline that shows if this shenanigan actually works. 

And I will let you in on a little secret.....(OK.....probably not little but I don't like to admit it very much).....I suck at "Middles".

For me it's because they always creep in the same way. For a couple solid days....weeks......there have been some whole months along the way over the years where I just get this underlying feeling of hopelessness......
And once that crazy lady Hopelessness shows up all bets are off.....because you know who she brings to the party in my head?? 
Her evil cousin Doubt.......and then they invite Queen Insecurity to come play...before you know it I am hanging out with all those chicks.....
It's not a fun party....and they always out-stay their welcome......

It's because they are the 3 bitches of Middles.......they want to tell me all about my mistakes and my failures and about how dumb it was to listen to Mr Shiny New Beginning....cause you know...that guy.....he's always been nothing but trouble. 

"I should have seen this from a mile away." 

"How could I possibly think that this would work?" 

All this "do what you love" talk is just a plot.....it's an evil plan to massacre my life and now I have really gone and done it! 

Shame on me.......so irresponsible..........

You know what I am talking about......we all have extended stays with these lovely unwanted house guests.

So they have been hanging around me and my "Middle" for a little bit now.....and I was starting to get worried......(you know because their best friend Fear never stays away from the party for to long)

Today I am driving down the road thinking about Hope....and the concept of it and the times I have felt it and who has shown it to me and I remembered an experience I had. 
I think I should share it with you...because when I can remember to remember it.....(yeah....I have problems remembering to remember ....you know what I mean??) It kicks the hell out Ms Hopelessness Ms Doubt, Queen of Insecurity and Ms Fear. 
They just cower and run away because Lady Hope shows up as such a bad ass in this story that they don't even try.....they just pack up their snacks and go back to where they came from. 

Out of courtesy I will just call my friend in this story D. 

D comes to see me at a job I have allot. We like each other. We talk about stuff and life and kids and craziness and we laugh. She is animated and loud and I love her. She is intense and opinionated and incredibly transparent in her communication with me and I always think she is brave for being so open. 

One day D comes in and it is obvious she is upset. Her eyes are red and she is a little shaky and she just isn't her usual self. D has had years of health problems and today is a bad day. A doctors visit brought not such great news and she is having a hard time with it. 

We get teary eyed and I do the only thing I know how which is hug her. She leaves.......and I talk to the universe allot and ask it to help D. 

A couple days later D comes back and she is different. She is being her happy, loud, crazy self! I instantly get curious! What in hell could have happened in 3-4 days to produce such a complete turn around from such devastating news? 
We say are usual pleasantries and then I just can't stand it anymore.....I have to know......I have to ask......What happened?? Were the doctors wrong?? Mix up in paper work? 

Wait.....she won the lottery! 
YES!

No........

So I ask.....and this is her response

" I went home and have spent the last couple days planting over 250 spring bulbs in my yard. I have absolutely no idea if I will get a chance to see any of them bloom, but somebody will."

I just sit there......and let that process for a minute

I don't know what to say.....so I just start to cry.....and then of course hug her because that's always what I do when I don't know what to do....cry and hug.....

"Didn't that thought make you sad?".........I ask
"No way! (BIG smile on her face) All those bulbs are going to sit out underneath all the snow this winter and just give me hope!"

So after more hugging and crying.....(this is why I sucked in corporate...they don't like huggers and they definitely do NOT like criers) she leaves and I thank the Universe for allowing me to know her. 

So...... I'm driving down the road today and I am hanging out with Hopelessness, and Doubt and Queen of Insecurities and Fear and I see a Daffodil.........
And I remember that story.......
And I get a little watery eyed. 

Then I remember that I can plant spring bulbs every day in my times of "Middle" if I need to. 

If a woman who is dying solves that grave proposition by planting life...even if it's just so someone else can see it....... 
If she answers her "you cants" with that kind of "I sure CAN...watch me"...... then what the hell am I worried about??

My life isn't asking me to have even an ounce of that much courage...........it's giving me a chance to show up and plant..........to plant my own hope...........no matter what........

I have never looked at a Tulip or a Daffodil or a Hyacinth or any other spring bulb flower the same way again.....and I hope now you see them differently to.

One Love,
Danielle

Telling Secrets

So by now I think that everyone has heard of PostSecret, however, the last few times I have brought it up the person I was talking with had no idea! By the third incident it was clear........I had to do my part and spread the word.

 For those of you that are unfamiliar,  PostSecret started as one man's social experiment and morphed into a unique solution to one of our most basic human struggles..........the toll keeping secrets takes on our mental, emotional and sometimes physical health. 

Frank Warren, the creator of PostSecret had an idea for a "group art project". He handed out postcards on the streets that requested people to write a previously unspoken/written secret, decorate the postcard and mail it back anonymously. Crazy........just so crazy that it freaking worked! Soon it was on Blogger and new secrets were posted weekly. Now it is a top 10 website that still shares weekly posts of new secrets. I would love to ramble on and on about the history of PostSecret, but Frank Warren himself does a much better job telling his story on a TED talk.......if you are interested you can find that talk HERE.

Ever since I discovered PostSecret I have been fascinated by it. Every Sunday I get up.....coffee in hand and discover other peoples "secrets"......ooooooooooo........sneaky.....I know!! Over the years I have become attached to this time.......this unveiling of sorts where in the privacy and comfort of my own home I can get a peek at the raw unfiltered parts of the human condition.....have access to the things religious confessionals and personal inventory sheets only see. The secrets we hide from strangers and more often then not from those we love the most. Maybe I love it so much because some of them make me giggle out loud.........others are so painfully awkward that I couldn't imagine having them......yet others are so sad I have been known to get teary eyed. Maybe it's because I was a Pych major and the mind fascinates me...maybe it's because I share some of the same secrets as others......maybe it's because some part of me knows that a person somewhere wrote down that secret and hopefully got a little relief from the heavy load it takes to carry that stuff around.......even just for a minute....they had a little freedom from it. 

The amazing thing about PostSecret and the reason why I think it works is that it fills a huge psychological need that we all have. Ever heard the saying "secrets keep you sick"......it's true...they do.....and the really bad ones are the things that ruin a life or make you take all the wrong roads or if you're really lucky get you a Lifetime movie screenplay that may bring in a couple bucks here and there. The bottom line is they rarely help a person out.......they eat at you....gnaw at your insides and poke at you....making you fearful and uncomfortable....always wondering if they will be FOUND OUT.......GASP.......not cool.......

PostSecret provides people a way to let these secrets out.....with the protection of anonymity. Think about how awesome that is.......apply it to yourself........

What would YOU tell if you knew that no one would be able to trace it back to you??

How would you feel if you didn't have to carry around that big heavy chunk of yuk solo? What if you were to come clean and just say it......your resentment about that lady at your work......that hurt you felt but pretended it was OK...........that pressure you constantly feel from someones expectations of you or one that you put on yourself......that fear that paralyzes you.....that loneliness that doesn't have a name but is present all the time.......

I did it once.......not PostSecret....but something along the lines of a tell all your shit to another so it's not camping out in your head and your heart...... partying with all your other bad friends in there and making you and your life suck in general...you know...that kind of exercise.......

It was terrifying.....and yet...it is one of the most helpful and freeing experiences I have ever had in my life.....

After finishing this sort of internal trash removal I was sitting on my front porch and I had this wave of energy come over me.....the best way I have ever heard it described is this........"you know when you are a kid and it's perfect outside and you are riding your bike and the wind is in your face and you are smiling and are warm and fuzzy and totally free......just happy to be that free....???"

That's the one........

That's the feeling I had after telling my secrets.........and it still knocks my socks off just remembering it. 

No lie......it's that freakin great.

So much of our energy is spent hiding....or trying to make up for some kind of real or imagined harm or failure....what if we had a place to let that go? What if we could trust each other enough to provide that kind of acceptance to one another?

 I would love to say the answer is to just live right....not keep secrets and then the problem wouldn't even exist...but lets get real..We are humans....I don't know about you guys but chances are I'm still not going to wave to so-and-so and act like I don't see them because I think their an asshole for freaking out on the checker at Safeway.

I probably am not going to let the other moms know that while I am smiling and waving when picking up my kiddo from school I have the most obnoxious and disgusting ghetto fabulous rap songs playing in my ear-buds because I secretly enjoy the fact that they would be appalled at my taste in music......

BTW......Lil Wayne wants you to lick him like a lollipop bithces....yeah...that's right......I went there and they never even knew........

All just examples I assure you.......I always smile and wave.....and only listen to Kenny G on school grounds......just a few hypothetical scenarios.....you know......to get the imagination going......you get the picture....

The point is this......there is a human need to keep things but there is an equally strong need to let them go......it is through the power of honest confession that freedom from these burdens of being human are found.

How much happier would we be if we had random PostSecret boxes around. What if instead of losing sleep about hating your mother-in-laws coupon obsession you could write it down....send it out into the universe and know that it was out......no reason to spend energy forcing it back down......

What if we accepted our secrets....processed them....and used them as fuel to connect with each other?? 
To hard you say?? 
The success of PostSecret says it's not.....and even more important that it is needed. 

Do yourself a favor.......tell one of your secrets today.......

Write an anonymous postcard.....put one on a piece of cardboard and then burn it.....tell it to the squirrel that hangs out in your yard....he sees you doing it anyway......just do it.....give yourself a chance to unload the burden of secret....see how much better you feel.

To learn more about PostSecret you can visit the site HERE

To learn more about how this experiment is making a real difference in peoples life a great article can be found HERE

One Love,

Danielle