Hello Friends,
Happy Easter weekend for those that celebrate this kind of occasion! I'm not religious, but I always have celebrated Easter in my family and it has come to mean different things for me over the years. For me, Easter is a time of rebirth, a time of redoing, transforming, some parts die so that others can have space to be born. I see it outside where I live right now too. I am blessed enough to live in a place that really does have all four seasons, so now that the cold snow is gone, life is exploding all around me.
I just love things that burst and explode! They make me so happy. It's like they have have been sitting under Mother Natures blanket of ice for months and when she finally releases them, gives them a little sun to light the way, they shout with happiness and life. I see it in the tulips coming up in my yard. I hear it in the birds that sing all day and the frogs that echo them all night. I see it on my favorite climbing vine and my ancient lilac tree as they prepare to explode in color and perfume.
My amazing friend Mariah posted "dazzle the shit out of this day" this morning on social media and I thought to myself, "THAT'S IT!!!". Mother Nature is "dazzling the shit" out of every day around here!! I really love Mother Nature (and Mariah too of course!)..... that woman knows how to make a statement.......knows how to correctly use her natural bedazzler........makes me want to find my own and give it another try! It's like her own personal fourth of July around here and it blows my mind!! My heart almost bursts and explodes when I sit and look and ponder it all.
It all makes me feel grateful, and I try to hang on and cultivate anything that stirs gratitude in me, because for me, I know, that THOSE THINGS are what gets me through everything else.
And then there are these daffodils...........
HUH?
OK, so this is going to sound silly, maybe a little crazy and quite possibly ridiculous, but here we go......
I am obsessed right now on whether or not to steal daffodils from my neighbors yard....
SHHHHHHH!!!
See, neither myself or Mother Nature has "dazzled the shit" out of my yard with these beautiful bouquets of sunshine colored blooms. However, there is an amazing burst of bedazzlement on the side of a house that no one really lives at. I mean, it's like a home away from home type place, a "second home"....(by the way......I have lots of thoughts on the "second home" idea...but I digress.....another post...another time).
In any case......I WANT THEM! I want them in my house.....on my table......pretty much any acceptable surface I can find within my own dwelling.....I don't have a "home away from home"....I have this ONE and I think that Mother Nature wants her work to be enjoyed and admired to the fullest! Obviously THOSE PEOPLE don't give a shit.....they just let them hang out on the side of their "second home".....they don't even get to see them because they are never here.....what a waste.......I would be doing them a favor by stealing...uhh....I mean borrowing some. Maybe I can just leave them a note..........
"Dear neighbor people.....I stole all your daffodils because I needed to bedazzle the shit out of my kitchen table and you weren't using them.....thanks for understanding...crazy neighbor lady across the street."....
That would fly right??
Seriously guys.....it is something that has been weighing on me......I actually devised an attack plan last night when I was doing dinner dishes.......like I was going to break in, or steal a car or something. I thought about what time I should go...(probably night...most sinister things happen at night right??).....What I should wear?......( I should wear a mask.....no...no.....because I live DIRECTLY across the street! If someone sees me and I run it won't matter if they can't see my face......I will be going to MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!) Shit!!.......I am no good at this stealing business.......I guess that's another thing to be grateful for.........Dammit......I forgot that pan over there on the stove.....
You get the idea.....the head squirrels are all jacked up on crazy sauce.......over flowers.....
Yep....sounds about right!
So HOW does all of this tie into being so grateful for these displays of rebirth and springtime Mother Nature awesomeness you ask?? How do we go from being in awe to wanting to steal shit??? Yeah....that's what I have been wondering too, and this is what I came up with.
If it's good....if it's beautiful and it makes me feel grateful...I want MORE!
I go from appreciating the bedazzles to wanting to hoard them like some kind of neurotic sparkle monster.....(that's not a new species by the way...sparkle monsters have been around for awhile...or so I am told....)
Point is....I don't think there is anything abnormal or wrong about wanting more of a good thing. BUT.... I am surprised at how quickly I go to the fear of loosing it. So I devise plans to "stash" more.....so I can have it longer, enjoy it longer, stave off the sadness of it's ending. I go from present moment happiness to "oh shit! I have to get some more of this before it's all gone!".
I don't think that's how we are supposed to "dazzle the shit" out of our days.......
I don't think that Mother Nature says "Yep.....I'm going to throw all this beauty down here and then pop some corn and watch these weirdos try and steal it all away from each other"........
I don't think that's how she rolls.
So, then I start to think about how many other things in my life I try to stash.....try to hold tight to......try to covet and hoard......Oh man....I live in 600sqft........hoarding is a dangerous endeavor.....
What about the emotional and mental things I try to hoard??? What resentments do I nurture that only serve to harm me? What ideas do I cling so tightly to that I deprive new ideas any chance of seeding in my brain?
What things do I not let die, in fear that something will never be reborn in it's place?
Easter, in the religious sense, is about one mans death and subsequent rebirth. A mortal who became immortal. A death that equaled eternal life. A lack that then produced abundance. ( I am not a religious scholar, but that's what the story is about to me.)
And I sit here worried about not having enough daffodils......man......I have a looooongggg way to go in this spiritual path business! Pretty sure not steal shit is "What Jesus Would Do"!
So in the end, I have decided that leaving these daffodils will be my first spring time "dazzle the shit" out of my days exercise for this new season.
I will let the equation of more = safety die. I will embrace the fear that comes with knowing that ALL things leave when they are supposed to. I will live in the fact that life of any kind cannot exist without death. Room for things has to be made....and the Universe knows how to do that much better then me.
I will take time to thank Mother Nature and absent neighbor people for giving me and THOSE AROUND ME such a beautiful display of bedazzlement. I will rest in the fact that anything worth having can only be increased through sharing.
I will try my very best to let circumstances, people, ideas, and emotions come and go without fear of loss. Things can have the space they need to bloom, explode and burst without my trying to wrangle hold of them.
And....of course.....I can have a clean conscious by NOT stealing something that isn't mine.....that always feels good!
I hope you all take time this Easter to think about what you can let die in order to make room for some dazzling awesomeness!!!
One Love,
Danielle
P.S. I haven't been giving credit where credit is due to the pictures that are not my own that I sometimes use in these posts. Below are links to where all images in this particular post can be found. Thank you to all the artists that share their work with us!
http://www.metro.us/sites/default/files/easter_cover_0.jpg
https://assets-production-webvanta-com.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/000000/51/74/slider_detail/uploads/plant/1430569955-8f415281447211a30/206389.jpg
http://pad1.whstatic.com/images/thumb/5/5c/Write-a-Dear-John-Letter-Step-4.jpg/aid1847286-v4-728px-Write-a-Dear-John-Letter-Step-4.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f2/b6/50/f2b65093f6aea918a949c654ec15aed8.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/bd/cd/7d/bdcd7db763eb34609f7ccd5b431a64a4.jpg
Hello Friends,
Of course it has been months since I have made time to write. Someday I imagine myself devoting a set amount of quiet time, coffee in hand, to work on my ramblings, but as of yet that just doesn't seem to be the way life is working. I know you all can relate. We are all to busy "DO-ing".
Many of you know that I have been suffering with a back injury since July of 2016 and have just now gotten some relief through having a lumbar laminectomy......which is a technical term for getting rid of a ruptured disc that was stuck in between my spine and sciatic nerve. Crazy ass journey. It would appear that my stubbornness was yet again a cause for a delay in healing.......shocker!(Yes! I said that in the most sarcastic tone ever!)
Anytime I have something "BIG" happen I try to find the lesson, and this one is complicated. This particular lesson seems to be all about how my worth as a human is and has always been.....for as long as I can remember directly proportional to what I can "DO". "BIG" and "DO", sums up my life on so many levels. I only feel "BIG" when I "DO". When my injury left me unable to "DO" anything I became a very "small" human being.
I'll let you guys on a little secret, (OK, maybe it's not a secret).....I am a habitual.... run around at full speed....... anxiety junky..... "DO-er". My life does not have purpose to me unless I am performing some task, creating some new thing or taking care of some other living thing.
Now that's "normal" right? The stressed out, on the verge of losing your mind and your car keys in the same moment, tired, worried, "DO-er"........that's what we "DO".......that's life.....that's the conundrum of balance right? I want to slow down, I want to do more Yoga, I want to be happy and content with simple, I want the ability to be less of a "DO-er" and more of a "LIVE-er". I "DO"....that's what I'm working on "DO-ing" right?? Slow the F down.....it's on the to-"DO" list!! Check!
I read about these people who are "LIVE-er's". I read their blogs, I read their books, I know some in actual human form that are in my life but you know I'm a "DO-er", I don't have allot of time to hang out with people who are "LIVE-er's".....I have shit to "DO"!!
Flash forward in this life of being a proud "DO-er" for 30 plus years and all of the sudden I couldn't "DO" anymore. I'm talking I couldn't put on my socks, I couldn't use the bathroom, I couldn't shower without being in so much pain I would cry and have a mental break down five minutes after waking up. I had NEVER encountered anything that had enough power to make me stop "DO-ing"....... Not....freaking....EVER. At least not for an extended period of time. 48 hours max and we are off to the races again. Not this time though.
That was some scary ass shit for a serial "DO-er".
Who am I? What in the hell am I going to "DO" (PS....the Universe was very clear that the answer was nothing...but you know I'm not the best listener so it took me a little bit to catch the seriousness of that answer).
I laid in bed for a solid three weeks unable to "DO" and these are some of the thoughts that my brain tried to eat me alive with........
**If I cannot cook/clean/drive/actively participate and have a conversation out of bed does that still make me a suitable mother?
**If I cannot shower/shave my legs/clip my toenails/wear makeup/ "DO" my hair etc....am I still beautiful?
**If I cannot reciprocate others generosity, if I cannot pay back/step up/help out/hang out does that mean I do not deserve their generosity?
**If I cannot "DO" and work and earn income does that mean that I do not deserve to have my home, my material possessions, my safe place? And if that is true then does that mean that by default I circle back to the unfit mother category because I cannot provide by "DO-ing" for my child?
**Will my significant other leave me/love me less/find me less desirable/respect me less because I have absolutely nothing to give right now? I cannot "DO" anything for them. Would I stay if it was the other way around?
**Is this happening because I have been ungrateful, irresponsible, ungracious, unfaithful? Have I been greedy? Do I have/consume/ want more then what I deserve and now the Universe has to take it away so I recognize it? Have I been judgmental and irritated by those around me who are not "DO-ers"? Have I myself not been "DO-ing" enough?
This list was scary friends.... and long..... and dark.....and ugly and marinated in fear and the other unwanted house guests I write about...yeah...they were all there.......keeping me company while I couldn't be outDOing them. Outrunning them. Outworking them. I was finally their hostage and we were going to hash some shit out about what makes Danielle.....well......Danielle.
What makes me worthy of love,care and respect? What entitles me to safety and security and the basic feelings of acceptance and purpose? What is my responsibility to my family and those I have agreed to be responsible for? What purpose do I serve in their lives if I cannot "DO"?
As usual, you can see how one list of questions spirals into another list of questions, and down the rabbit hole I go. What is a habitual "DO-er" to "DO"?
And the answer seemed to be a simple ....quiet......"LIVE".
Become a "LIVE-er", and fill whatever hours I could with things that told me I didn't need to be "DO-ing" anything to be worthy of being a "LIVE-er".
I listened to allot of YouTube Wayne Dyer........I read allot of Marianne Williamson and Brene Brown. I looked to allot of guided meditation from The Honest Guys and Deepak Chopra to try and learn how to just sit........ to just be........ to just breathe......and simply exist as a "LIVE-er". To know that because I was alive, I was worth being taken care of, because I was living I had a right and a chance to be a "LIVE-er".
And the shit was hard......me and the unwanted house guests of fear and shame and guilt and self-pitty.....we had some screaming matches.....we had some knock down drag out days. And the Universe and I????.......sheeesh......we had LOTS to hash out!!! Because when you take "DO-ing" away form a "DO-er" the mess gets big, and the coping mechanisms get small.
As I sit hear and type this I recognize that my experience in the grand scheme of physical trauma is relatively minimal. But I also need to own it and say that just because it might not seem like that big of a deal to some, it freaking rocked my world and kicked my ass waaaaaaay off balance.
I have spent my whole life "DO-ing", my whole identity was based upon what I could/can "DO". How well I could perform, how hard I could work, how much I could create....blaaaah blaaaah blaaaah........
So I laid there in my bed and had multiple come to "haysoos" meetings with the Universe and it loved me until I could kind of....sort of....wrap my small brain around this really "BIG" idea that Danielle just being a "LIVE-er" is enough.
It is enough because the people that said they loved me....they still did. The friends that always told me they would help me......they still did. The man that told me he would always find me beautiful and amazing......he still did. The family that rallied around me after all my failed attempts and "DO-ing"...... all my mistakes......all my bossy and tenacious ramblings over the years......they all showed up again to help me piece it back together.
ALL of this happened in the midst of me not being able to "DO" anything.
I didn't have to earn/cook/clean/drive/perform/live up to some kind of expectation/work/demand/insist/plead/manipulate/plan/give up/give in for any of it. I just was a small.... breathing.... tired...... in pain "LIVE-er" and they STILL came to my rescue.......and as I write that out, as I let that sink in...... I am absolutely overcome with the kind of gratitude that can only be prompted by truly seeing the Universe in action....for me.....yet again........
Mind....Freaking..........Blown.........
So while I was laying in bed, trying to teach myself one more time with Deepak Chopra, and Brene Brown and Marianne Williamson and The Honest guys and Wayne Dyer how to just "LIVE"........the real "LIVE-ers" were "DO-ing" for me what I could not "DO" for myself.
Making me feel loved, and valued and worthy enough to be/have/think/dream/see whatever I needed to while the Universe and I argued about whatever we needed to.
And maybe that is the lesson, I get to be Danielle, with all my faults, and errors and craziness and love and passion and "DO-ing" but I only get to "DO" that if I take the time to be with the "LIVE-ing". If I slow down and know that when I tell people in my life they are important and they say the same to me then that's the deal........it's really that simple........we don't have to "DO" anything to earn it or keep it, it just IS...because LOVE is the what the "LIVE-ing" do while the "DO-ers" are planning to make more time for it.
Thank you to each and every one of the "LIVE-ers" in my life for helping me through this unpredictable gift called living.
A special thanks to my constant "LIVE-ers" Mckinlay and Forrest, you could have smothered me and you didn't.......you encouraged me instead and because of that I am inspired to "LIVE" with you both more.
One Love,
Danielle
