Of course it has been months since I have made time to write. Someday I imagine myself devoting a set amount of quiet time, coffee in hand, to work on my ramblings, but as of yet that just doesn't seem to be the way life is working. I know you all can relate. We are all to busy "DO-ing".
Many of you know that I have been suffering with a back injury since July of 2016 and have just now gotten some relief through having a lumbar laminectomy......which is a technical term for getting rid of a ruptured disc that was stuck in between my spine and sciatic nerve. Crazy ass journey. It would appear that my stubbornness was yet again a cause for a delay in healing.......shocker!(Yes! I said that in the most sarcastic tone ever!)
Anytime I have something "BIG" happen I try to find the lesson, and this one is complicated. This particular lesson seems to be all about how my worth as a human is and has always been.....for as long as I can remember directly proportional to what I can "DO". "BIG" and "DO", sums up my life on so many levels. I only feel "BIG" when I "DO". When my injury left me unable to "DO" anything I became a very "small" human being.
I'll let you guys on a little secret, (OK, maybe it's not a secret).....I am a habitual.... run around at full speed....... anxiety junky..... "DO-er". My life does not have purpose to me unless I am performing some task, creating some new thing or taking care of some other living thing.
Now that's "normal" right? The stressed out, on the verge of losing your mind and your car keys in the same moment, tired, worried, "DO-er"........that's what we "DO".......that's life.....that's the conundrum of balance right? I want to slow down, I want to do more Yoga, I want to be happy and content with simple, I want the ability to be less of a "DO-er" and more of a "LIVE-er". I "DO"....that's what I'm working on "DO-ing" right?? Slow the F down.....it's on the to-"DO" list!! Check!
I read about these people who are "LIVE-er's". I read their blogs, I read their books, I know some in actual human form that are in my life but you know I'm a "DO-er", I don't have allot of time to hang out with people who are "LIVE-er's".....I have shit to "DO"!!
Flash forward in this life of being a proud "DO-er" for 30 plus years and all of the sudden I couldn't "DO" anymore. I'm talking I couldn't put on my socks, I couldn't use the bathroom, I couldn't shower without being in so much pain I would cry and have a mental break down five minutes after waking up. I had NEVER encountered anything that had enough power to make me stop "DO-ing"....... Not....freaking....EVER. At least not for an extended period of time. 48 hours max and we are off to the races again. Not this time though.
That was some scary ass shit for a serial "DO-er".
Who am I? What in the hell am I going to "DO" (PS....the Universe was very clear that the answer was nothing...but you know I'm not the best listener so it took me a little bit to catch the seriousness of that answer).
I laid in bed for a solid three weeks unable to "DO" and these are some of the thoughts that my brain tried to eat me alive with........
**If I cannot cook/clean/drive/actively participate and have a conversation out of bed does that still make me a suitable mother?
**If I cannot shower/shave my legs/clip my toenails/wear makeup/ "DO" my hair etc....am I still beautiful?
**If I cannot reciprocate others generosity, if I cannot pay back/step up/help out/hang out does that mean I do not deserve their generosity?
**If I cannot "DO" and work and earn income does that mean that I do not deserve to have my home, my material possessions, my safe place? And if that is true then does that mean that by default I circle back to the unfit mother category because I cannot provide by "DO-ing" for my child?
**Will my significant other leave me/love me less/find me less desirable/respect me less because I have absolutely nothing to give right now? I cannot "DO" anything for them. Would I stay if it was the other way around?
**Is this happening because I have been ungrateful, irresponsible, ungracious, unfaithful? Have I been greedy? Do I have/consume/ want more then what I deserve and now the Universe has to take it away so I recognize it? Have I been judgmental and irritated by those around me who are not "DO-ers"? Have I myself not been "DO-ing" enough?
What makes me worthy of love,care and respect? What entitles me to safety and security and the basic feelings of acceptance and purpose? What is my responsibility to my family and those I have agreed to be responsible for? What purpose do I serve in their lives if I cannot "DO"?
As usual, you can see how one list of questions spirals into another list of questions, and down the rabbit hole I go. What is a habitual "DO-er" to "DO"?
And the answer seemed to be a simple ....quiet......"LIVE".
Become a "LIVE-er", and fill whatever hours I could with things that told me I didn't need to be "DO-ing" anything to be worthy of being a "LIVE-er".
I listened to allot of YouTube Wayne Dyer........I read allot of Marianne Williamson and Brene Brown. I looked to allot of guided meditation from The Honest Guys and Deepak Chopra to try and learn how to just sit........ to just be........ to just breathe......and simply exist as a "LIVE-er". To know that because I was alive, I was worth being taken care of, because I was living I had a right and a chance to be a "LIVE-er".
And the shit was hard......me and the unwanted house guests of fear and shame and guilt and self-pitty.....we had some screaming matches.....we had some knock down drag out days. And the Universe and I????.......sheeesh......we had LOTS to hash out!!! Because when you take "DO-ing" away form a "DO-er" the mess gets big, and the coping mechanisms get small.
As I sit hear and type this I recognize that my experience in the grand scheme of physical trauma is relatively minimal. But I also need to own it and say that just because it might not seem like that big of a deal to some, it freaking rocked my world and kicked my ass waaaaaaay off balance.
I have spent my whole life "DO-ing", my whole identity was based upon what I could/can "DO". How well I could perform, how hard I could work, how much I could create....blaaaah blaaaah blaaaah........
So I laid there in my bed and had multiple come to "haysoos" meetings with the Universe and it loved me until I could kind of....sort of....wrap my small brain around this really "BIG" idea that Danielle just being a "LIVE-er" is enough.
It is enough because the people that said they loved me....they still did. The friends that always told me they would help me......they still did. The man that told me he would always find me beautiful and amazing......he still did. The family that rallied around me after all my failed attempts and "DO-ing"...... all my mistakes......all my bossy and tenacious ramblings over the years......they all showed up again to help me piece it back together.
ALL of this happened in the midst of me not being able to "DO" anything.
I didn't have to earn/cook/clean/drive/perform/live up to some kind of expectation/work/demand/insist/plead/manipulate/plan/give up/give in for any of it. I just was a small.... breathing.... tired...... in pain "LIVE-er" and they STILL came to my rescue.......and as I write that out, as I let that sink in...... I am absolutely overcome with the kind of gratitude that can only be prompted by truly seeing the Universe in action....for me.....yet again........
Mind....Freaking..........Blown.........
So while I was laying in bed, trying to teach myself one more time with Deepak Chopra, and Brene Brown and Marianne Williamson and The Honest guys and Wayne Dyer how to just "LIVE"........the real "LIVE-ers" were "DO-ing" for me what I could not "DO" for myself.
Making me feel loved, and valued and worthy enough to be/have/think/dream/see whatever I needed to while the Universe and I argued about whatever we needed to.
And maybe that is the lesson, I get to be Danielle, with all my faults, and errors and craziness and love and passion and "DO-ing" but I only get to "DO" that if I take the time to be with the "LIVE-ing". If I slow down and know that when I tell people in my life they are important and they say the same to me then that's the deal........it's really that simple........we don't have to "DO" anything to earn it or keep it, it just IS...because LOVE is the what the "LIVE-ing" do while the "DO-ers" are planning to make more time for it.
Thank you to each and every one of the "LIVE-ers" in my life for helping me through this unpredictable gift called living.
A special thanks to my constant "LIVE-ers" Mckinlay and Forrest, you could have smothered me and you didn't.......you encouraged me instead and because of that I am inspired to "LIVE" with you both more.
One Love,
Danielle
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